Orders up

I want whatever blood all the Americans just drank. Order me a pint: Tru Blood. I want to date a vampire, bed them; be feasted on. I want to become a vampire myself, live for close-to-forever with an eternal wine-tooth grin. I want stay undead and see how vampires fight off global warming, werewolves, and South Korean warfare. Please, True Blood, take a bite out of me.

Last night, on the season’s third episode, True Blood took a bigger bite than ever. A war is about to erupt, everyone is about to be sacrificed, and the sex scenes are more disgusting and delightful than ever. Even the humans on True Blood seem to have powers, although if often the ability to consistently get laid: in an all-too-spoofable scene of soft core Jason and the preacher’s wife got it on inside god’s house.

When not busy with adultery, the Aryan-race Christians were upping the ante in the impending war, acting as old world terrorists and plotting to kill a vampire on a cross, Jesus of Nazareth style. Other lessons learned from Christians this week: lying is revealed to be a divorce-warranting sin, though adultery can be committed upon a change-of-heart (especially if it’s God commanding you to do, well…you know). Also, the use of the word “cunt” is up high on the sin list, though nowhere near homosexual vampire intercourse.

The night’s commercials are sped through towards the next story-line revelation, thanks to the benefits of PVR. The network should get rid of commercials all together, given the number of product placements the show’s obviously banking on. On the way to the evening’s sacrificial orgy Eggs gets a strange desire to drive towards a coke ad, before the he and Tara mention a hunger not for blood, but Reese’s Pieces.

Loud beats lead Eggs and Tara towards the best drum-and-sex circle this side of Folk Fest, where they quickly get into position (doggy-style). Drum music only leads to bad things, we’re told, before the spellbound naked hippies are revealed, fucking in unison around Maryann, who has the apparent power to turn into a strobe light.

Meanwhile, Andy is chasing a shape-shifting pig, which is actually Daphne leading Sam towards the sexual-stoning death orgy. With a bull mask on his head Sam is summoned towards death, and as it’s all about to happen, the episode cuts out. Of course.

Like always, they leave you fanging on until next Sunday. In the meantime   read up on the revelations made by the stars of True Blood at the weekend’s Comic-Con conferences. Best of all? By the time Evan Rachel Wood shows up to guest star as  Vampire queen of Lousiana, Sophie-Anne, HBO is planning to have a human-friendly breed of Tru Blood pop on store shelves.

Finally, I’ll get a glass.